Okay, so we’re going to get a little personal for a bit. I wrote this a few months ago and was a little shy about sharing, however, I figured if this is something I am experiencing, surely some other twenty something out there is experiencing it too.
Growing up I’ve always been naturally thin. I never really worried about my body or how it fit in clothes and considered myself lucky for never having to experience any kind of self-torment about my body.
Fast-forward to now, I am a graduate student currently working 40 hours a week at a internship, which mostly requires me to sit at a desk. Earlier this summer I decided I wanted to be more physically active but mostly for health reasons. I felt like a hypocrite for always shoving clean eating down people’s throats, yet I never worked out. My new workout regimen made me feel good and I noticed a few small changes in my body that I liked. Since starting this internship I have made every excuse in the book to not workout, although I still occasionally do yoga- which I love whenever I can muster up the willpower.
I also started dating someone who is absolutely wonderful and the sweetest guy ever. But within the last two months I’ve started to pay a lot more attention to my body and the way it looks. My main issue was with my stomach. Even if it was just bloated with food I could feel myself getting upset every time I sat down and felt something roll over my pants, or it didn’t look completely flat in a dress. The funny thing is that it didn’t really have much to do with my boyfriend. He tells me how beautiful my body is all the time and has never made any negative comments about my appearance. He literally tells me how beautiful I am every morning, I know, I’m incredibly lucky.
Perplexed? Yea, so am I. I don’t know where this sudden self-ridicule came from, if it wasn’t from him what was the problem? I had an epiphany this morning. I never used to care if my belly rolled over my pants or if it was bloated from eating. Nothing ever kept me away from food, even the thought of being on a beach in a bikini. If I was hungry, I ate. The issue was that I put this unrealistic pressure on myself to be physically perfect for him. This pressure coupled with a poor diet and lack of exercise because of my perceived lack of time sent my mind to a strange place.
So, my realization this morning? Looking good for someone else is absolutely lame. I know everyone wants to look good for their significant other, but you have to look good for yourself first ladies and gents. Don’t ever count out your own opinions and feelings. When I was single I could give zero “you know whats” what someone else thought of my body. As long as I felt good that was the only thing I cared about. I’m making a commitment to myself to go back in that direction. I know that when I look and feel good for myself, others will see and feel it too. There’s nothing sexier than a confident woman.12