STOP saying "yes" to everyone

It’s difficult to say no. It's rude to say no. You must make people think you are a kind person.

At least, that’s what I’ve always thought.

Maybe it’s something about being raised as a woman, maybe it’s growing up with strict parents or maybe it’s just the societal norms we feel the need to live by.

It is difficult for me to say no, but it turns out that not saying no is extremely detrimental to my personal growth.

Since starting my healing and personal growth journey I’ve had to learn to let go of many habits. People pleasing is by far the most difficult habit for me to get rid of. It’s something so ingrained in me, that it is physically draining for me to correct this bad habit.

Signs that you are a chronic people pleaser

Maybe a good friend has brought this personality trait up to you or maybe you’re starting to realize you have no time on your schedule for yourself.

Here are some classic signs of a people pleaser

• You can’t say no - You were raised to be kind, to help others, to have proper manners, and not to offend people. You must always say yes, so that everyone else can feel happy. Even if saying yes puts your values and time at stake.

• You are overly concerned about other people's opinions of you - You are having a conversation with someone, but all you can think about is what they are thinking about you, you’re not focused on the conversation.

• You never have time alone - When creating your schedule you seem to always cross out your alone time first. The second someone asks you for a favor or asks you for your time, you will move everything around for that to happen.

• You don’t set boundaries with others - Why would you offend someone just so you can feel better ? Everyone else has more needs than you.

• You are always looking for validation and approval of those around you - There has to be one benefit to being a people pleaser. You have to at least be validated for what you are doing. You don’t care if what you are doing makes you happy, as long as other people approve of your choices.

• You always agree with people - Ever been in a conversation you don’t completely agree with? but you pretend to anyway because it’s not worth risking the other person's opinion of you. You also really want to avoid conflict at all costs.

• You don’t have a true identity - You’ve been so busy creating a life that everyone will approve of, that you didn’t stop for a second to ask yourself if you actually love the life you're building.

• You constantly say sorry ! - Did something that wasn’t even your fault ? “Sorry!”. Did something that doesn’t even require an apology - “Sorry!”. Another person blatantly caused an issue - “Sorry!”. If you have this habit, you get the point & you resent the word sorry.

If you read all this & kept saying yep that’s me, well let’s take a second to reflect on how soul-sucking this habit is.

How people pleasing is literally ruining your life

• You start resenting people - You say yes to every favor someone asks & eventually the favors become bigger and bigger. You say yes with a smile every time. Then you start internalizing a resentment towards this person, but they have no idea why. You’ve been saying “no problem !”. You have no boundaries & people aren’t waiting for you to make them. So now that friend you once had, has turned into someone you resent.

• People really take advantage of you - You catch the right person with your little people pleasing habit & they go crazy. They feel like they found their match, they think you are the kindest person ever, meanwhile your anger is growing. This can start to have some serious consequences, if this is someone you have a close relationship to. People can really take advantage of your kindness. You start going beyond your comfort zone, and keep being afraid to say no. You are acting out of fear.

• You waste money - You can NEVER say no to a pushy salesman because you feel too bad. Even if you can’t afford something. Even if you hate the product. You will say yes. Stop wasting your money.

• Burnout - You run yourself into the ground. I really believe I went into the nursing career with my people pleasing habit & made it worse. It’s so easy for me to please people at my job, it’s so easy for me to keep my habit. It’s one big manifestation for me to keep people pleasing. & then comes a huge crash, burn, and hatred for anyone and everything.

• You can create an imbalance in your close relationships - You put everyone above you. Even your partner. They might not realize it. You care for everyone else with such an intensity that you are more invested in your partner’s life than your own.

It’s so easy to tell someone STOP THIS. Many people have told me to stop, told me to create boundaries and told me exactly what I do & how it’s ruining my life. But until I hit burnout and my quarter life crisis, I couldn’t stop people pleasing. I still haven’t fully stopped people pleasing. It’s addicting in a sense.

BUT it has hurt me one too many times. I tried blaming everyone else.

However, it turns out … it wasn’t them… it was me.

I was the problem.

That was a sucky revelation. But that’s the only revelation that will allow you to create changes in your life.

SO… how can we fix this ?

Well first… what’s causing this …

Why do I do this to myself ?

First of all it could be many factors & every person is different. Maybe you were just born this way.

But here are some common reasons why you people please…

• Your parents or caregiver only gave you love based on your behaviors -so you made sure to always keep them happy & then everyone else later in life.

• Low self esteem - If you were taught that your value is based on what you do for others, you don’t really value doing things for yourself.

• You fear rejection - You want to ensure that everyone accepts you. Your parents taught you that you must fit in with the norm. Going outside of that norm is wrong and you will be rejected and your life will be horrible. So you just follow the crowd & stay in your lane. Then you realize … that’s boring!

So … really… How can we fix this ?

How to stop people pleasing

• Practice saying no - I started very small. The people at the grocery store who ask you to donate to something you don’t even believe in. The store clerk that asks you to sign up for a membership you don’t want. I would always say yes, so the person wouldn’t feel bad. Eventually you will be able to say no to the big things. It’s a practice. It’s a habit that you need to work hard to build. Just like your habit of saying yes for too long.

• Say no, without saying sorry - Say your no with confidence. When I first started saying no I made sure to add a sorry in there. BUT that makes you seem so unsure of your decision. Say no politely, confidently and proudly. You deserve to say no. Again, it's practice.

• Schedule alone time - Be brutal about this alone time. For me, this is my workout schedule. That is my time & no one is going to disrupt it. I will get that done, and you cannot take that time away from me. Pick something that is your time. Start small & go bigger. Take back your time & be brutal in ensuring this stays on your schedule

• Think before you say yes - Someone wants to switch a shift with you… instead of automatically saying okay. Say “Let me get back to you, once I have a chance to look at my schedule.” Don’t just ignore the text, tell them you are considering it, allow yourself the time to consider it & say yes or no depending on if you feel this will be worth your time.

• Therapy - Therapy is pretty much always a good decision. If you can’t get somewhere yourself, let someone else help you identify your issues and set some boundaries. It’s scary, but it will allow you to grow.

This is something that won’t change overnight. You have probably been building this habit your entire life. You won’t change the habit in a couple of weeks or months. You will need years. You will need to be consistent, BUT you will gain freedom and confidence like you have never experienced before.

Be patient with yourself.

I still work hard at this everyday. My whole life has been built around everyone else’s approval and making everyone else happy.

I am still tearing my identity away from the life I created for everyone else & laying the foundation for the life I am creating for myself.

We will get there.

One day at a time.

Happy quarter life crisis !

Thanks for reading my newsletter :)

xoxo

Her Twenties

(Ailish)