If your twenties have been anything like mine, there is a question that you’ve been constantly repeating to yourself …

Who am I?

When you were in high school, you liked a certain subject, so a teacher, parent, or advisor gave you some suggestions about what careers you could build in that subject. 

If you’re a rule follower like me, you listened to them and went to college for the thing that everyone thought you would like. Somewhere along the college process, you might have realized you don’t like what you went to school for. 

You may have switched your major for the next thing everyone said you would be good at, or you may have just stuck it out and kept going despite what your gut told you. 

If or when you graduated college, you were forced to face the job market. You might have gotten a job that excited you initially, but then slowly, you realized all its faults. 

You start to realize maybe this whole adulting thing wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. 

You start to think, maybe I spent the past four years chasing a goal I dislike. 

Then, the question comes up again.

Who am I?

~cue the existential quarter-life crisis~

At the beginning of my quarter-life crisis, I started to question every identity I’ve ever held. 

I started to wonder if any of these identities were even my idea. 

I started to wonder if any pieces of these identities were valuable to my 20-something-year-old self. 

I started to wonder why society pushes certain identities on us. 

I started to wonder why parents, family members, partners, friends, and the education system need us to have an identity in the first place. 

Why do we feel the need to identify with a certain identity? 

Some of this probably plays into the idea that humans need to belong to a community. 

There is a theory about our need to belong. It’s survival. In hunter and gatherer days, humans needed to belong to a community in order to survive. Our brains are wired to belong. 

If we disagree, just a small amount, with the community we belong to, they might kick us out, and then we are left to fend for ourselves. 

So, we incessantly need to be part of a community, identity, group, or whatever you want to call it. 

The problem with this is that we often get placed into or place ourselves into a box with no room for growth. 

Without room for growth, we get stuck with a certain identity our entire lives.

Sometimes, this identity doesn’t fully align with what we know is true at our core.

Some people live their entire lives in a box that isn’t meant for them.

Can humans ever fit into one box or one identity? 

Maybe, but probably not. 

Yes, we can stereotype, group, or lump similar people together. 

BUT there is nuance within those groups of similar people. 

Every single person has lived a completely different life. Lives may be similar, but there are always slight differences. 

No two people have ever lived the same life, and that is part of the beauty of life. 

So, if two people are never the same, and there is beauty within nuance, why are you so obsessed with fitting into a certain identity? 

Also, when have you ever felt like you fit into one of the identities you or others assigned you?

Almost never. 

Instead of trying to fit into different identities every time I felt a shift in life, I started to think of life in a new way. 

I realized that humans are in a constant state of transition. 

Some periods of life involve rapid transitions, and others involve slow-burning transitions. 

We are in a constant state of metamorphosis, slowly getting closer to a big, beautiful butterfly.

You rarely become a beautiful butterfly in your twenties because you simply haven’t had enough experience. We’re not focusing on becoming the butterfly right now. 

The goal in your twenties is to focus on not getting stuck in the cocoon. 

Don’t get stuck in the cocoon. 

The cocoon that society wants to wrap you up in. 

The cocoon that everyone feels you would be safe in. 

The warm and protective cocoon may feel nice, but it never allows you to show everyone your beautiful wings.  

How do you stop yourself from getting stuck in the cocoon?

1. Evaluate the cocoon you are currently in

• What defines it? 

• What are the pros and cons of the identity you are currently in?

• What about this identity do you want to carry with you for the rest of your life? 

• What about this identity do you want to let go of?

2. Explore other identities you have been interested in trying.

• Try an in-person class on something you have always wanted to do. 

• Buy a course about a hobby or skill you have always wanted to learn. 

• Try anything new. 

• You will find one hobby that you want to stick to.

3. Once you find one hobby or skill you want to stick with, immerse yourself in it.

• Read books about it. 

• Take as many courses as you can. 

• Practice the skill every day. 

• Watch YouTube videos about your hobby. 

• Follow experts in the field.

4. Start letting go of the pieces of your old identity that don’t serve you anymore.

• Stop engaging in negative conversations. 

• Stop adding fuel to your old identity. If you don’t want to be in a certain job field anymore, start to detach yourself emotionally. 

  • You can still work hard, but stop investing so much emotional effort. 

• Remind yourself it’s okay to let go of things that don’t serve you anymore. 

• Remind yourself why you are leaving a certain identity behind.

You are absolutely capable of creating your own unique identity. Sure, society might place you in a box, but you will know in your heart that you are not locked inside a cocoon that won’t ever open.

Accept pieces of each identity that flow through you, but never get stuck on just one. 

One day, you will have gone through so many shifts that you will look back and realize you have created a life so expansive that your younger self could have never imagined it. 

This is the key. 

Allow life to be one long transition state; you will never feel stuck, complacent, or bored. 

Then, maybe, you might have a little idea of who you are.

Hope you have a beautiful week. 

p.s.

I listen to many podcasts, read many books, and consume a lot of self-help/healing content, and I would love to share the best ideas with you! If you want to receive little snippets of wisdom and inspiration, click the link below to sign up for Her Twenties Daily Inspiration! (a daily text messaging service)